The place: Whitehaven. The Year: 1855. Having just purchased the largest Top-Hat in the north of England (a full three-foot in height!!!), I had carefully brushed and applied pomade to my mutton-chop sideburns and decided to stroll through the town in order to show off my elegant new hat.
By chance, I spotted my old friend Tobias, and was surprised by the strange creature perched upon his shoulder. “Pray Tobias, what be that strange creature?” I inquired. “‘Tis a monkey, my good friend” he replied. He pointed down the street and said “Do you notice that oafish rabble hanging around outside that public house? Well, they be sailors who have just returned from a long voyage to Pot Noodle Island. One of those fellows sold me this little chap for half a guinea. Now WATCH THIS !!!” he declaimed.
The monkey jumped from his shoulder, shimmied up a drainpipe and perched itself upon the top a sign hanging from a shop doorway. No sooner had a crowd gathered to stare at the curious creature did the monkey break into song, droning “WIR FAHR’N FAHR’N FAHR’N AUF DER AUTOBAHN” over and over again.
“What is that monkey singing?” I inquired. “Oh! It only appears to know songs by Kraftwerk. I guess I haven’t had the time to teach it any new ones. Not that I really have much experience in teaching monkeys how to sing, you know….” The monkey then started hanging from the sign and singing “SHE’S A MODEL AND SHE’S LOOKING GOOD..”
The crowd broke into applause and started throwing coins at the monkey. Tobias stood there grinning like a buffoon and said to me “This little chap will make me a fortune. Maybe you should get one yourself ?”
The thought stuck in my head. I was thinking about it in bed that night, and I must have drifted off to sleep but only for a short while when I suddenly awoke and found that the room was full of water. I managed to climb up onto a high shelf for safety and thought to myself “I wonder if I can manage to swim to the window and open it?”…..