What a morning. I had just composed myself, and guess who blew into the office. It was Sir Jimmy Sandwich. He was sweating and out of breath, and looked like he had just run a marathon.
“This is intolerable!!!” he yelled. I sat back for a second and asked “what is intolerable ?”
“Don’t you know you retarded buffoon” he retorted.
“Well, tell me…”, I said.
“I am a from a respected family. I own estates in Norfolk, Suffolk and Essex. But people mistake me for Sir Jimmy Saville. People shout at me in the streets. Children were throwing cans and stones at me and shouting ‘pedo…pedo…kill the fucking pedo’. ”
He continued “I tried to talk to one of these young chaps, but he got angry and started shouting ‘You fucking pedo’, and then he punched me in the face.”
I tried to compose myself. In a situation like this, you have to make quick decisions. So I said, “excuse me for a moment, I’ll be back in a minute”. I went into the back office and listened to Autobahn by Kraftwerk. Thirty minutes later I came back, singing to myself “Wir fahren fahren fahren auf der Autobahn”..
“OK”, I said. “We need to go on a charm offensive. What I recommend, because your name is Sandwich, you should go up and down the country handing out sandwiches to needy children. If a child goes hungry, you will be there and say ‘I am Sir James Sandwich. And I’m here to give you a sandwich’. People will love you. All this pedo nonsense will be forgotten.
He started blustering and spouting “How can I afford to travel up and down the country handing out sandwiches. It will bankrupt me !!!”
I winked and said, “I’ve already thought about that. I’ve spoken to Channel 4 and they said they will commission a new show called Jimmy’s Sandwich. They will film you going up and down the country handing out sandwiches. It’s perfect.”
He left happier than he entered. I thought to myself, well some of these aristocratic types like a bit of incest, but I doubt he is a paedophile.
Anyway, tune in to Channel 4 this summer to see the full series of “Jimmy’s Sandwich”.
Well, all you can say is “Für dich und mich im All entsteht. Strahlt Wellen zum Empfangsgeraet. Wenn’s um unsere Zukunft geht. Für dich und mich im All entsteht”.