The place: Whitehaven. The Year: 1855. Having just purchased the largest Top-Hat in the north of England (a full three-foot in height!!!), I had carefully brushed and applied pomade to my mutton-chop sideburns and decided to stroll through the town in order to show off my elegant new hat.

By chance, I spotted my old friend Tobias, and was surprised by the strange creature perched upon his shoulder. “Pray Tobias, what be that strange creature?” I inquired. “‘Tis a monkey, my good friend” he replied. He pointed down the street and said “Do you notice that oafish rabble hanging around outside that public house? Well, they be sailors who have just returned from a long voyage to Pot Noodle Island. One of those fellows sold me this little chap for half a guinea. Now WATCH THIS !!!” he declaimed.

The monkey jumped from his shoulder, shimmied up a drainpipe and perched itself upon the top a sign hanging from a shop doorway. No sooner had a crowd gathered to stare at the curious creature did the monkey break into song, droning “WIR FAHR’N FAHR’N FAHR’N AUF DER AUTOBAHN” over and over again.

“What is that monkey singing?” I inquired. “Oh! It only appears to know songs by Kraftwerk. I guess I haven’t had the time to teach it any new ones. Not that I really have much experience in teaching monkeys how to sing, you know….” The monkey then started hanging from the sign and singing “SHE’S A MODEL AND SHE’S LOOKING GOOD..”

The crowd broke into applause and started throwing coins at the monkey. Tobias stood there grinning like a buffoon and said to me “This little chap will make me a fortune. Maybe you should get one yourself ?”

The thought stuck in my head. I was thinking about it in bed that night, and I must have drifted off to sleep but only for a short while when I suddenly awoke and found that the room was full of water. I managed to climb up onto a high shelf for safety and thought to myself “I wonder if I can manage to swim to the window and open it?”…..

Well, what do you do with a building without stairs? Well, if you are unfamiliar with this conundrum, refer to the last post. I’ve only been able to broadcast this to the world via an old TELEX machine. Anyway, what do you do with a building without stairs. I had to bring in the world-famous architect Abdul-Azziz Smith.

He said to me. “Look, this is a fantastic building. Why do you need stairs? I’m not thinking 21st century. I’m thinking 23rd century. This could be a hub. It could be like a new Kowloon Walled City, but without stairs. Who needs to walk up and down stairs. It’s so old-fashioned…”

As much as I respect his reputation, I did have a couple of qualms. Firstly, if you don’t have stairs, how do you get up and down? He brushed that aside with a knowing wink and said “Forget about Google Glasses. Google are actually working on teleportation devices right now. It’s only known to a few software developers. It may take ten years or so. But imagine… If you need to pee, you will be able to teleport to the bathroom. Stairs will become a bit out-dated…”

I countered “Wasn’t Kowloon Walled City the biggest slum in Hong Kong? They demolished it..” He gave me a knowing look. He just stared me straight in the face and said “Soon, we will all be living in Kowloon Walled City…”

But he then went off on a different tangent and said “I’ve been watching the news. You know the Pope always drives around in a Pope Mobile. I think the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson should have a Boris Mobile. But what type?”

I replied “It’s so obvious. He would drive a clown-car. Like they do in a circus. It would come farting up the street, and all the doors would fall off, and Boris would climb out and declaim ‘Gosh!!! Cripes, my doors have fallen off…”

He intergected and stated “I think you are wrong. He needs a Weeble Car. Did you ever play with weebles when you were a child? Remember, Weebles Wobble but they don’t fall down. He just needs a life-size battery-powered Weeble Car.”

However, my assistant was listening to the conversation, and she said “Sorry for interrupting. But you know people are talking about Boris Johnson as the future Prime Minister. What about George Osbourne?? You may not be aware that his half-brother is Ozzy Osbourne. Apparently when Boris pulls off his coup and unseats Cameron, he is going to bring in Ozzy as Chancellor of the Exchequer.”

That is political dynamite. Boris and Ozzy Osbourne. Who wouldn’t vote for them…. Hey, they might have difficulties tying their shoe-laces, but they are popular…

Yes, although there have been lots of arrests of “high-target” criminals in South-West Scotland lately, that does not deflect from problems closer to home.

I have been plagued by one vexatious individual recently. Each day, my employees have been diligently turning up for work at horseMEAT plc to manufacture unicycles that are desperately needed throughout Eastern Europe. Now, I think I am a moderate type of employer. For instance, if you phone us up and complain about a defective unicycle, you will get one of the following messages:

1) Press ONE to discover our unique range of unicycles
2) Press TWO to COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO
3) Press THREE to repeat this message.
4) Press FOUR to arrange a free test ride on one of our unicycles.

I think I’m getting the hang of these new-fangled phone systems. But I am digressing from the point. Some of the young women who work here have been making complaints about a strange man who lurks about on the bridge where they have to walk under in order to reach the factory. Apparently, he throws soya beans at their heads, and when he hits the target (i.e. their heads), he stands there cackling like a hyena.

Normally I wouldn’t bother, but he has been creeping a few people out. He is described as about 5 foot 5 tall, about 50 years old, stocky, with a grey beard and always wears a huge bobble-hat with pom-poms attached to it. I just dismissed it and told people “He’s just probably smoking crack”…

Yesterday, my assistant ran into the office and starting shouting “He’s up there!!! You have to do something!!!”. My first thought was to phone the guys from Agnostic Front. Maybe I thought they could batter him around the head with their guitars or something. However, there really wasn’t time for that, so I decided to act decisively, so I ran outside, sprinted up the road and started yelling “HEY YOU F**KING IDIOT… IF I CATCH YOU I’LL STAMP ON YOUR HANDS… YOU WON’T BE THROWING SOYA BEANS AROUND FOR A WHILE”

However, as soon as I ran up the hill to the bridge, he had disappeared. As if my magic. A bit like Mr Ben. I thought he might be hiding in a hedge, but I felt confident enough to go back the building and announce “No worries… He’s Gone…”

But to my amazement, all the stairs had vanished from the building. Then I heard some horrendous cackling and the guy was standing back on the bridge. He was yelling “I’VE STOLEN YOUR STAIRS”… then he ran off…

It is a three-story building. And all the stairs had vanished. That meant people could not go upstairs or downstairs. People were yelling at me “I’ve got to go home”… “I’ve got to pick up my kids”… “I’ve got to go and have a pee…”

You can plan for fires, severe data-loss or World War Three, but what happens when somebody steals all your stairs. I effectively have a building without stairs. I had to get people out with rope ladders. Best solution in a crisis. I’ll probably get sued due to Health and Safety concerns…

This is serious. I’ve now got a vendetta against that crazy old fool. He has stolen my stairs. If I catch up with him I’ll probably pour napalm into his arse via a funnel and set light to it !!! I’ve got a funny feeling that I haven’t seen the last of him…..

Hello readers, I am forced to make this update due to the fact that we have been bombarded with emails due to the recent horsemeat scandal that seems to be constantly in the news.

Just to clarify matters, we represent horseMEAT Entreprises PLC, which is in no way involved in the production or distribution of horsemeat for human consumption or otherwise.

Our main areas of business currently is the manufacture of motorised unicycles.

Whilst we were previously involved in foodstuffs to a limited degree, this was restricted to the importation of pickled hedgehog and the manufacture of Humpty-Dumpty Cakes.

I hope this clears up the matter once and for all.

I can’t believe the furore surrounding the discovery of Horse-meat in burgers sold by several well-known supermarkets.

After all, for those with exotic tastes, Unicorn Pie and Badger Soup seems to be quite fashionable at all the top eateries right now. Nobody seems to be causing much of a fuss about this though. Perhaps because it hasn’t gone “mainstream” just yet…

Dear horseMEAT readers, I would like to introduce our new columnist, the world famous philosopher Friedrich Peache. Having taken a sabbatical from teaching, he is currently residing in a fruit tin in my kitchen cupboard next to the anchovies.

If you have any burning metaphysical questions that you need to resolve, feel free to send our fruity savant a message.

Yes, fresh from Apple’s success with their iPad, they are planning to launch their latest product.

It is an ironing board. It is not different from a normal ironing board, but it does have an Apple logo on it.

But the killer app that accomanies is what makes it work. It is – the iRon.

What a week!!! I had to travel to the headquarters of horseMEAT Enterprises Plc several times this week, due to a series of random break-ins.

Even though it was obvious that somebody (or some people) had smashed their way into the building, at first we slightly puzzled, as nothing appeared to have been stolen.

However, it was later reported that several female employees had asserted that various items of clothing and shoes that they had left in their offices had been stolen, and in a couple of cases, two young ladies stated that their clothes had obviously been ‘tampered with’ and were left in a heavily stained condition.

Therefore, we had to review several days of CCTV footage, and we are now closer to an answer. We believe that the individual pictured below is responsible for these acts.

If anybody knows the identity of this sexual deviant, please contact us. A reward of fifty thousand groats is available to anybody who can provide information that will lead to a successful prosecution.

Hello readers. Tomorrow I will be attending the final of the World Pot Noodle Eating Contest.

Like any popular sport, the rules are quite straightforward. Whichever finalist can eat the most Pot Noodles within thirty minutes will be crowned as “World Pot Noodle Eating Champion, 2010″.

Apparently, the record stands at 131 Pot Noodles. Hopefully we will see this record smashed this year.

I have put a small bet on Barry “Pirhana” Thompson, but I would watch out for Thomas “Carbohydrate Poisoning” Wilkinson. It should be a close one!!!

I can’t wait!!!

After hearing the news that Tesco have launched a lasagne sandwich (this is actually true!!! I had to pop into the nearest Tesco to have a look for myself, and the immediate image that came to mind was of farm slurry encased between two slices of bread !!!), the team at horseMEAT Enterprises Plc have decided to up the ante and go one better.

We will be shortly launching the ‘sandwich sandwich’. This is a regular sandwich, but the twist is that the filling contains another two slices of delicious bread.

This is so simple, that I am amazed that nobody has ever thought of this before.

The other day, I went to the train station, and was fascinated by the sight of a wasp crawling over a discarded hamburger.

However, that is not the point of this posting. You may be aware that there has been little activity on horseMEAT lately. This is due to the fact that we have been up and down the country working as motivational business gurus.

This started some months ago when I met a chap called Kevin Bhaji who runs “business empowerment”? seminars. He has one simple message. He will scream at people and shout ‘Stop Wanking!!! Start Working!!!’.

He explained his philosophy to me. He claimed that ‘In any office or workplace, the average bloke will be in the toilet three or four times a day spanking out his man oysters, while most women pretend to work, but probably discreetly use love-eggs. If these people stopped fixating on their sexual urges, they would get a lot more work done.’

At first I was sceptical, and thought this was the ramblings of a porn-addicted lunatic, but he was quite calm and explained that the government and various universities have conducted years of research and have found this to be true.

So, I now have a lucrative sideline. Many companies pay me £3,000 per event, and will bring their staff to a room in a swanky hotel, and I will rant and rave at their employees (with a PowerPoint presentation on the projector, of course) and scream in their faces ‘Stop Wanking!!! Start Working!!!’.

Apparently, it is quite effective and does produce results.

Visitors to this site may have wondered why there has been little activity for some time. The reason is due to an unfortunate incident on Pot Noodle Island earlier last year.

Due to ongoing legal proceedings on Pot Noodle Island, we cannot exactly disclose what occurred, but I can confirm that the entire team spend most of the last year on remand in Pot Noodle Island’s notorious prison (for those of you who are unaware, this is located on Wasabi Island, a tiny uninhabited outcrop a mile away from the coast of Pot Noodle Island).

After spending ten months in medieval conditions (often in chains and solitary confinement), contacts were made, strings were pulled, and we were suddenly driven to the airport, hastily put on a plane, and deported back to England.

Needless to say, the possibility that we will ever set our feet upon the soil of Pot Noodle Island again is quite remote.

Personally, I will miss Pot Noodle Island, as it is a charming place to visit. I do not wish to discourage other people from visiting that wonderful island.

Merry Christmas dear readers. Wary of yet another ‘traditional’ Christmas, the team at horseMEAT decided to take a trip to Pot Noodle Island in order to relax and do something a little different.

After booking into the “Hotel Scooby Doo” (which I must tell you is the most upmarket hotel on the island) we went off and took in some of most famous sites that Pot Noodle Island has to offer, such as the “cave with no end” (not to be confused with the “cave within a cave”), the famous “Upside Down Tower Block”, and most importantly of all, the world famous “Dead Mouse Shop”. Apparently, it has been trading successfully for over three hundred years and attracts visitors from all over the world. In fact I couldn’t resist buying a stuffed mouse to hang on the wall of my apartment.

After visiting a local bar and sampling vast quantities of their excellent spinach liqueur, we spent the evening watching a famous sporting spectacle, namely the world famous “Cage-Fighting Leprechauns”. When the majority of Leprechauns fled from Ireland last century, one of the most popular destinations was Pot Noodle Island. However, being far too small to perform most occupations, the leprechauns gravitated towards entertainment and sporting activities, an area where they have really excelled and found their niche.

Anyway, Christmas day arrived, and we had a superb lunch at the hotel that included roast badger, deep-fried nettles accompanied by a side-dish of spicy super-noodles. Instead of the traditional Christmas pudding, we opted for some choc-ices.

To top off the occasion, Humphrey ended up arguing with a helpless teenager outside the hotel and ended up getting pistol-whipped by a local police officer (you don’t mess with the law on Pot Noodle Island).

Instead of heading off to Spain for your holiday this year, consider taking a short break to Pot Noodle Island this year. I believe that the currency exchange rate is very favourable.

Just stop and think for a minute. Christmas is approaching, and whilst most people are considering the financial costs, few consider the other hidden costs.

It is estimated that each year, one hundred thousand leprechauns are killed in Ireland solely to ensure that people in England can tuck into their traditional christmas meal of spicy leprechaun stew.

Outrage is constantly poured upon the French due to their production of foie gras, so why let this slaughter of the leprechauns continue without any hint of criticism or dissent?

I think everyone should look deep within their souls and consider this issue…

Given the current news diet of economic doom and gloom, it seems that every time you open a newspaper (if you can afford a newspaper) you will see an article on the theme of “Twenty ways to save money this Christmas”.

Most articles will give advice such as “make your own gifts” (as if we are all skilled in the arts of woodworking and metalworking) and “grow your own food” (ideal solution if you live in a flat).

Anyway, in the interests of hopping onto a pointless bandwagon, horseMEAT’s contributors have gathered together in order to offer up their own money savings tips to tide you over the festive season.

• Does you son or daughter wants the latest games console? Lie to them. Just go to the nearest charity shop and buy a “Buckaroo” set that has half of the pieces missing. The kiddies will love it.
• Christmas Cards: If you had been farsighted enough, you would have kept all the cards you received last year. Just apply some Tipp-Ex over the greetings, write over them and then hand them back to the people who gave you them last year. Recycling at its very best.
• Try an alternative Christmas Dinner: Give the Turkey a miss this year. Just serve up some Findus Crispy Pancakes with Super Noodles.
• Sick of spending money on expensive wrapping paper? Just use old newspapers and magazines instead.
• Worried about the expense of a constant round of boozing and socializing? Just hover about when you are in a bar or club and drink up the dregs from drinks that others have left behind.
• Don’t want to waste money on a Christmas tree? Decorate a cactus instead.
• Desperate to save money, but too scared to disappoint your family and friends when you don’t buy them lots of ultra-expensive pieces of tat? Simply go on a few shoplifting expeditions. You won’t need to spend a brass farthing.
• Feign a serious illness and stay in bed until January.

If you follow these simple and effective tips, you too can enjoy a scrooge-like festive season and alienate your family and friends…