Archive for July, 2006


what does ‘Michelmas the evil avocado’ do in its spare time?

Further to recent sightings, we have received an intriguing email from a source who wishes to remain anonymous. He informs us: “I visited the bookies at lunchtime to put a small bet on the coming weekends football. On my way out, I crossed a small park adjacent to the betting shop. As the weather is […]

Exciting new product developments from Horsemeat Enterprises…

At Horsemeat Enterprises, we are now in the final stages of developing a new device to protect monitor screens from getting covered in dust and dirt. Simply attach one of our styrofoam devices to your monitor with the free elastic band that we provide, and hey presto! The monitor will remain dust free. We expect […]

I try to retain my professional demeanor, but sometimes life gives you a swift karate punch to the back of your head…

I don’t usually let my private life interfere with serious ‘Horsemeat’ business, but this week has proved to be particularly stressful. Firstly, my wife Claire has been disappearing for whole days at a time, and when I ask her where she has been and exactly what she has been up to, she just shrugs her […]

more historical evidence comes to light surrounding ‘Michelmas the evil avocado’

Jean-Paul LeBeq from Quebec, Canada emailed us after following the thread about ‘Michelmas the evil avocado’. He thanks us for publicizing this matter and told us: ________________________________________________________________________ “The knowledge about the power of this avocado has long been known within my immediate family circle. My grandfathers brother, Henri LeBeq, was undertaking a tour of North […]

The ‘Big Brother’ style evictions continue apace at Horsemeat Enterprises…

Following the recent decision to institute ‘Big Brother’ style evictions at Horsemeat Enterprises Ltd, today is the first day of the eviction process. All members of staff were marched to the diary room, forced to nominate two members of staff to be sacked and give their reasons why. Needless to say all this is being […]

One should not doubt the integrity of one’s friends…

After the utter humiliation I suffered at Humphrey’s club, I couldn’t venture out for a week afterwards (except to visit the theatre, of course). I vowed not to speak to that parvenu again and to remove him completely from my mind, until I remembered the matter of a small amount that I gave Bumphrey to […]

more useful things to do with those unwanted free CD-ROMs…

Being a computer nerd, I am constantly inundated with free CD-ROMs and DVD disks, not to mention those that fall out of newspapers and random magazines. Lately, I have also had to suffer the indignity of a local gang of youths throwing them at me when I cycle down the road, accompanied by shouts of […]

more historical evidence about those ‘evil avocados’…

Following on from the previous post about historical sightings of ‘Michelmas the evil avocado’, I was contacted again late last night by Damian Poodly who informed me: ——————————————————————————– “My great-great-grandfathers Archive appears to be a gold-mine. I found numerous old photographs featuring the fabled avocado.” “I have attached a copy of a photograph taken at […]

further historical proof regarding the existence of ‘Michelmas the evil avocado’

As well as the recent sightings of ‘Michelmas the Evil Avocado’, we have now at last received some concrete evidence of historical sightings. Damian Poodly from West London contacted us and shared the following: ——————————————————————— “My great-great-grandfather, Edmund Poodly, was a quite well known traveller, archeologist and writer in his day. He spent a great […]

Making television become reality…

Yesterday I had a wonderful idea – to employ ‘Big Brother’ methods within my vast business empire. I’m not talking about monitoring every move and communication by our employees (we do that anyway). What I am referring to is that wonderful television show named ‘Big Brother’. At Horsemeat Enterprises (newly renamed from The Bumphrey Tin […]

a potent and sobering warning about the danger of ‘evil avocados’…

It seems as if recent sightings of Michelmas the evil avocado have caused many people to share their experiences with us. Dean Kelly from Buffalo, New York informed us: “I arrived home from work on evening and upon entering the living room, I was horrified to see a ghoulish looking avocado perched in the V-Neck […]

more sightings of the dreaded avocado…

Further evidence of the misdeeds of ‘Michelmas the evil avocado’ abounds. Roger Slater from Edinburgh, Scotland emailed us the following message: “One day I was cleaning my Bowling Trophies, and recoiled in horror when I saw an malicious-looking avocado grinning at me whilst sitting in one of my Bowling Cups. I attempted to knock the […]

A most hilarious incident at my Gentleman’s club…

Let me tell you that I witnessed the most splendid event yesterday. I contacted old Bookbinder and told him “I haven’t got a clue what to write about on horseMEAT this week. Maybe you could meet me at my club in Mayfair to discuss.” Anyway, whilst I was waiting at the club for Bookbinder to […]

My parents left me a fruit salad…

I like other horsemeat readers have been gripped by the recent sightings of ‘Michelmas The Evil Avocado’. True, I’d never heard of an avocado before but this triviality didn’t stop me in my enquires. Well actually it did. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I forgot all about it. I went to see De […]

a far more evil fruit…

I have just received an email from a party who wishes to keep his identity confidential. He states: ——————————————————- You think ‘Michelmas the evil avocado is particularly evil? Well you obviously know very little about the really evil sub-species of fruit-kind. Take for example ‘Xerxes the abominable apple’ Xerxes may appear once in a decade, […]