Making television become reality…

Yesterday I had a wonderful idea – to employ ‘Big Brother’ methods within my vast business empire. I’m not talking about monitoring every move and communication by our employees (we do that anyway). What I am referring to is that wonderful television show named ‘Big Brother’.

At Horsemeat Enterprises (newly renamed from The Bumphrey Tin Plating and General Trust Company, in honor of Nigel Bookbinder’s wonderful on-line journal) I’m always looking for ways the management to keep employees on their toes.

Well, my latest lady-friend recently introduced me to the joys of watching a television show called ‘Big Brother’. At first I thought it was utter twaddle, but once I realized that I was watching real people being manipulated and suffering real mental anguish, I became hooked.

Anyway, the other day I phoned up the Chief Executive, Darcy Dubloon, and announced “I’ve got a super idea. I’m coming down to tell you all about. You need to convene a board meeting as soon as possible. However, I want you to do one thing first. Get all the line managers to ask the employees whether they watch the programme ‘Big Brother’ and whether they enjoy it. Then get them to report back. Don’t ask why. Just do it. It will all become apparent later.”

Three hours later in the Boardroom, I announced to the assembled executives “Well, what are your findings?” Darcy started to read from a report and announced “It appears that a large proportion of employees do watch it, and most of those who watch it seem to enjoy it.”

“Good! Good!”, I shouted. “I can now announce what my great plan is. I propose to institute ‘Big Brother’ style evictions within Horsemeat Enterprises. Each week, employees will visit Human Resources and nominate two members of staff who they think should be fired, giving their reasons why. Those who cannot or will not nominate will face disciplinary action. This way, we can get rid of useless staff and keep everyone on their toes. It’s absolutely splendid!”

At that point, Mrs Crookes, the HR Manager, turned red in the face and started to object vehemently. “YOU CAN’T DO THIS MR BUMPHREY!” she screamed. “What about employment law? These people are protected under law. If you enact such a mad scheme, we’ll be sued and taken to employment tribunals. I can’t possibly sanction this. What if the press hear about this? It will make it impossible to recruit new staff…”

“You obviously have no understanding of just who I am”, I calmly informed her. “I suggest that you clear your desk, leave the building immediately, and do not return. Do this, and I will spare you. Hesitate, or object any further, and I will use the power and wealth of my family to crush you into the soil like a beetle. Get out of my sight, you irritating little specimen.”

Unsurprisingly, she left the room quietly without a murmur.

“Any further objections?” I asked. There was total silence. “Good. Let’s put this plan into action. Arrange for a suitable ‘diary room’ to be created, and announce this exciting new development to all members of staff.”

The edict was passed down the hierarchy. The first ‘evictions’ will be in seven days time. My god! I am such a creative genius and forward thinking employer. I am literally turning television into reality for all the lucky people that I employ.

However, I plan a little twist. If the Senior Management and Board Members think they are immune, well they are sorely mistaken. I will allow them to be nominated and evicted just like all the other employees. Oh yes! They can squirm a little too.

Oh well, time to concentrate on other matters. I need to phone my stockbroker then pay a visit to the Club. Mmmm. The first G & T of the day beckons…