The ‘Big Brother’ style evictions continue apace at Horsemeat Enterprises…

Following the recent decision to institute ‘Big Brother’ style evictions at Horsemeat Enterprises Ltd, today is the first day of the eviction process. All members of staff were marched to the diary room, forced to nominate two members of staff to be sacked and give their reasons why. Needless to say all this is being videotaped.

Apparently many employees were unhappy to do this, and were left in tears after being forced to nominate. However, I passed down guidance to the line managers about how to deal with such a situation. “It is simple,” I explained, “You simple confront the employee and state: If you don’t have the balls to handle working within such a dynamic organisation as Horsemeat Enterprises, then f**k off and get a job in a cake shop.”

After all the nominations were counted up, it appears that the employee with the most nominations was David Jardine, a Manager with over twenty years of service at the company. The Board was horrified and asked me to attend an urgent meeting.

When I arrived at the boardroom at Horsemeat H.Q., there was a brooding and tense atmosphere in the air. There was silence for about thirty seconds, until Darcy Dubloon (my MD), broke it and said “OK, Humphrey. You’ve had your little joke. The entire staff are scared witless. You’ve made your point, and let’s now drop it. This is not going to do anyone any good. Not the Company. Not the employees. Not even yourself. This is complete madness, and has to stop.”

“Au contraire,” I replied. “This is only the beginning.”

At that point I grabbed a handset, and started to blast an intercom message around the entire building. “David Jardine,” I shouted, “You are being evicted from Horsemeat Enterprises. You have two minutes to empty your desk and leave the building. David Jardine. You are being evicted from Horsemeat Enterprises. You have two minutes to empty your desk and leave the building. Please leave the building.”

I then phoned security and announced, “This is Humphrey J. Bumphrey. Please ensure that David Jardine has left the building by the time I leave. Thank You. Goodbye.”

There was silence for a while, until Darcy said “Humphrey. David is one of our most experienced and knowledgeable employees. He may not be the most popular person in the company, but he knows the systems and our clients better than anyone else. This is complete madness. You have just effectively kicked one of the most valuable and irreplaceable employees out of the door for no apparent reason. You are shooting yourself in the foot, just in order to carry out some crazy whim.”

“ENOUGH OF THIS INSOLENCE”, I shouted back. “YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW EXACTLY WHO I AM! Who owns the majority of the shareholdings in this company? The evictions will proceed as planned.”

The purge of Horsemeat Enterprises will continue. However, I plan a little twist next week. The employees will be given a choice of nominating either their friends or nominating Darcy. I wonder whom they will choose. I guess we will only find out next week…I could even give the Managers and Board Members ‘special tasks’ to allow them to escape being nominated. Should I get them to wear Clown Costumes to the office? Make them participate in Karaoke competitions in the staff canteen each lunchtime? Ah! The possibilities are endless…