I try to retain my professional demeanor, but sometimes life gives you a swift karate punch to the back of your head…

I don’t usually let my private life interfere with serious ‘Horsemeat’ business, but this week has proved to be particularly stressful.

Firstly, my wife Claire has been disappearing for whole days at a time, and when I ask her where she has been and exactly what she has been up to, she just shrugs her shoulders and replies “Just been out having fun, you geeky idiot…”… No further explanations provided.

Then when I arrived back home from my office earlier, I found her car (a new Saab convertible imported directly from Sweden that she insisted that I had to buy her for her birthday)… completely TRASHED… [the windows, panels and lights were completely smashed in]. However, what was more disturbing was that whoever had done this had spray-painted the words “POT NOODLE TITS” down the side of the car.

What on earth will my neighbors think? What on earth has she been up to? I would ask her, but she is nowhere to be seen, and her mobile is switched off.

What on earth does “POT NOODLE TITS” mean ?

I am in a mental flux. I need to go an lie down, drink a cup of herbal tea, and take refuge in my C++ compiler…