strange things can happen on a friday night…

Readers from outside the United Kingdom may not be aware of the quaint English custom of ‘friday night’. In a nutshell, this involves:

  • Drinking excessive (if not downright lethal) amounts of alcohol
  • Smoking ten packets of cigarettes
  • Making crude and leering advances to any women who may be ‘available’
  • Having as many fights as possible
  • Chasing young men down the street whilst wielding scaffolding poles because ‘they look a bit gay’
  • Eating a giant pizza, then vomiting on the pavement
  • Jumping in a taxi (usually the individual is to incoherent to give any sensible directions about where he wants to go or where he lives, but somehow manages to summon up their last reserve of brain power to subject the hapless driver to a tirade of abuse)
  • Vomiting in the back of the taxi
  • Waking up the next morning with an uneasy mixture of fear, regret, shame and self-loathing

Well this scenario was undoubtedly played out in every town and city across Britain last night – however, things took a different turn for Darren Sykes of Manchester who emailed us following story.

“Last night I went out and met my mates in the pub. I was all set to drink fourteen pints of lager and look for some action. However, upon reaching the bar I was utterly shocked to see ‘Michelmas the evil avocado’ lying on the bar. It was rolling about from side to side, and seemed paralytically drunk. I don’t think it was quite aware of what was going on. I took some photos with my camera-phone, one of which I have included.”

michelmas-in-the-pub.jpg

“However, I think at this point it suspected what was happening, because it suddenly rolled over then propelled itself in my direction. I leapt out of the way, but unfortunately I crashed into a guy standing near the bar and knocked the drink he was holding all over his girlfriends blouse. I tried to apologize, but before I knew what was happening, the guy and some of his friends all piled over and started to beat the crap out of me.”

“I woke up in the Casualty Department of the local hospital, and was only allowed to leave earlier this morning. Only at this point, after repeatedly searching through my pockets did I realize that my wallet was missing. I had to get a friend to come and give me a lift home, and I then set about the laborious task of phoning the banks and credit card companies in order to cancel all my cards.”

“However, I was in for one final shock. Upon contacting my credit card company, I was informed that several large transactions had been put through my credit card in Mississippi . I was utterly confused by this for a while until I realized – it could only be the notorious avocado who is capable of this. Do you think that is how Michelmas survives – by credit card fraud? And what do you think it was doing in Mississippi? Maybe it hides out in the swamps when it needs to lie low for a while.”

Good point Darren. Just does how Michelmas support himself in between spates of evil-doing? Even a piece of evil fruit needs to survive somehow.