WARNING: Maldolph the Christmas Mallet may be on the loose again…

I’m sorry if I have been unable to post anything on horseMEAT for a while; it is not because I have been busy (I only wish that were the truth). The truth is something far more sinister.

A few days ago I awoke in a rather cheerful mood and breakfasted on smoked salmon and champagne. It being a rather glorious morning, I decided to go out for a leisurely stroll. However, the moment I walked out of my front door and turned round to lock it, I found the following note attached to my door.
This new age christmas mallet is not kind or nice. If santa leaves you one of these, you have been bad. The mallet once unwrapped by someone who has been naughty attacks them hitting them on their head till blood is drawn

[It reads: “This new age christmas mallet is not kind or nice. If santa leaves you one of these, you have been bad. The mallet once unwrapped by someone who has been naughty attacks them hitting them on their head till blood is drawn.”]

I grabbed the note, quickly leapt back through the door and bolted myself into my apartment. Who possibly could have left me such a disturbing message.

I attempted to make certain rationalizations about this. It must be children. It is someone playing a joke.

Then the awful truth dawned on me. In the following days, other events started to occur. I don’t have the energy to explain any further right now. I have not left my apartment for almost a week, and have not slept for two days. I need to sleep… but I can’t…