The nightmare never ends…

Things have been quiet for the last week or so. I dared to venture out of my apartment once again, and managed to make it to the Club for a good meal and a bottle of Champagne.

However, upon my return, I found the following note pinned to my front door:
Anti Christmas Tool Santa


It reads: “This is the evil Santa, the designer, and maker of the evil tools. If he comes down your chimney you will know, as normally he steals all of your presents, leaving you a MALLDOLPH and a big pile of rotten fruit. Normally leaving you with three avocados that if not destroyed turn evil. If you wake up and see him, run as he will trample you to death!”

Someone, or something, is making a concerted effort to frighten me. And with Christmas fast approaching, I can only fear the worst. I sense that some sort of horrific climax is imminent, and could strike down upon my head at any point.

I must be vigilant. I plan to clear off to the country for a while and lie low. I could even begin my research work on Pope Avocado III, a little known Pontiff raised up by Italian Princes in the twelfth century. However, the interesting point is that Pontiff really was an AVOCADO. Not content with placing a pliant vassal at the head of the Papacy, these grasping Princes arranged for the appointment of a humble piece of fruit to the highest office of the Church. Of course this caused outrage throughout Western Europe, and a new Pope was quickly installed in Avocado III’s place. I feel that this interesting historical interlude has been under-researched, and I plan to write a monograph on the subject.