The true history of Pope Avocado III

I managed to sneak off to my country pile and begin work on my monograph about the little known Pope Avocado III.

The eleventh and twelfth centuries could not be described as a zenith for the Roman Catholic Church. Despite events such as the buildings of the great cathedrals and the general advance in learning and theology (which tended to spring from the ground up rather than diffused downwards from the top), the Church was characterized by great corruption. Offices were bought or stuffed with political appointees, excommunication was used as a political weapon whilst many priests would marry and spend more time frequenting taverns rather than attending to their duties.

While plenty is known about Pope Benedict IX (the child pope who ascended the Chair of Peter, suspected to be aged between twelve and twenty years old) who is regarded as something of a disgrace, knowledge of Avocado III has been all but wiped from history, probably on the basis that the whole episode was too shameful and damaging for the Church.

What evidence remains is but fragmentary. We know that several Italian Princely families, not content with treating the Papal Office as a family heirloom, decided to place an avocado as the head of the church in order to provide themselves with total and unlimited power.

Of course, the whole enterprise backfired. Such an action was treated as an insult by even the most ignorant of peasants, and this was merely intensified by the Papal Bull “Immerito Vulgus Furtum” which demanded a Papal Tax of one quarter of all moveable goods from Christian subjects.

This Bull caused massive resentment across Europe, and there were riots in London and Paris; mobs attacked monks and clergy shouting “No money for the Avocado! Death to the Avocado!!!”.

Events would have spiraled out control, but certain Italian Princes sensed which way the wind was blowing, used the situation to take control and raise their own candidate to the Papacy. The Bull was rescinded and popular resentment died down.

Anyway, I still have vast amounts of research material to examine in order to come to a definitive historical interpretation of this episode. However, I have commissioned an image of what Avocado III must have looked like. This is displayed below for all you dear readers. Take Care. I must get back to work.

Pope Avocado III