Chaos at the International Tea-Towel Festival…

What on earth have I done? I now realize that I have made a huge blunder by unwittingly alerting Humphrey to the existence of the annual International Tea-Towel Festival that is held each year in London.

Apparently, not long after I had quietly slipped away, Humphrey vanished from Pot Noodle Island, and managed to get back to London in record time.

I have only been able to piece together what happened from third-party reports and telephone calls to acquaintances. I am sure that this is not the complete story, but what does seem certain is that Humphrey J. Bumphrey was totally unable to restrain his urges or show a modicum of self-control.

Apparently he managed to attend the final day of the Tea-Towel Festival. Upon entering the vast conference hall, I am sure that he became disorientated by the sheer volume of tea-towels on display. According to witnesses, he ran around like a headless chicken, grabbing armfuls of tea-towels and thrusting notes from a huge roll of money into the hands of the bemused stall-holders.

At some point, probably by intuition (remember the saying “It takes one to know one”), he managed to link up with a gang of shifty-looking men who shared his predilection for tea-towels. Reports state that this group had been lurking on the fringes of the festival since Day One.

It took the arrival of Humphrey to overcharge the situation. He announced “Lads! The tea-towels are on me. Go forth and buy!” and handed them huge amounts of money. Ten minutes later, heavily laden with assorted tea-towels, they had barricaded themselves in the mens toilets, from which all sorts of strange sounds were heard emanating.

Festival officials at first tried to plead with them to come out (“Please gentleman! This is a family event!”), but this was to no avail. After they remained barricaded in for two hours, the Police were called in to deal with the situation.

The officers of the law spent another hour trying to diffuse the situation and get them to come out of their own accord, but when this failed, they had to resort to breaking the door down by force. According to one eyewitness, when they entered, they found Humphrey lying on a huge pile of tea-towels looking exhausted and his face was a deathly pale colour.

Humph was duly arrested, but when taken to the Police Station, they were unsure what to charge him with. He was eventually charged with ‘Causing a Public Nuisance’ and bailed to appear in Court at a later date.

I spoke with Humph on the telephone earlier and he was completely unrepentant about the whole situation. I suppose the only positive thing to come out of this is that he has been banned from ever attending the International Tea-Towel Festival again. So there are unlikely to be any repeat performances next year…