A message from Paul Holt, (the famous Child Barrister).

Good day to all readers of horseMEAT! It is to my honor (as previously alluded to by Humphrey J. Bumphrey) that I have been invited to write some material for this esteemed site.

Let me fully introduce myself. My name is Paul Holt, and what distinguishes me from other twelve year-old children is that apart from going to school, sitting in front of a PlayStation and smoking cannabis, I am also a part-time Barrister. In fact I am renowned (and feared) throughout the High Courts as the famous “Child Barrister”.

However, let me tell you; being a Child Barrister is not as easy and glamorous as you may think. Take today as a perfect example:

I had a huge caseload to prepare for a complicated trial, as the defendant (my client) is facing several charges relating to Fraud and Tax Evasion. Therefore, I had to get up early and read through some case histories and precedents. However, I simply could not concentrate, because my idiot of a mother kept bursting into my bedroom and shouting “Paul! I’ve asked you five times already to tidy your room and make your bed. Look at this! Bits of paper strewn everywhere! I’ve a good mind to put them all in a bin-bag and throw them away when you’ve gone to school!”

Hmm. A very frustrating start to the day. But as for ‘going to school’… No chance. I had to be in court at 10-am. Therefore, I had to give school a miss today.

Anyway, the Court re-commenced the trial at 10-am, and things were going very well for a couple of hours until everyone heard a commotion at the back of the Courtroom. The judge temporarily suspended the proceedings, then imagine my shock when I realized that the person making the commotion was my mother!

“PAUL!” she shrieked. “So this is where you are! The school called me again to report that you had not attended…AGAIN!!! I’ve warned you about this before! Who is going to get into trouble with the authorities? ME! THAT’S WHO!!!”

The judge wore a visible look of anger on his face, looked directly at me and bellowed “Do you know this woman?”

“I’ve never seen her in my life your Honor,” I replied. “I have absolutely no idea who she is.”

“Very well,” stated the Judge. “Can the officers please remove this woman from the Court!” At which point my mother was rapidly escorted from the Courtroom, and I was able to continue my cross-examinations.

When I returned home at six o’clock that evening, I was met by a very enraged mother. “GET TO YOUR ROOM PAUL!” she screamed at the top of her voice. “YOU’RE GROUNDED! And don’t think you can sneak off to that Court again tomorrow! Because I’m going to personally take you to school and make sure you actually go in there! I’m sick of being called into that school because you never bother turning up!”

I went to my bedroom and let her calm down. To be honest, it went over my head. I’ve heard it all before. However, tomorrow is the day where I need to make my final speech in this trial. I need to think up a cunning plan, (and quickly), in order to get to Court and placate my Mum at the same time…