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Yes, although there have been lots of arrests of “high-target” criminals in South-West Scotland lately, that does not deflect from problems closer to home.

I have been plagued by one vexatious individual recently. Each day, my employees have been diligently turning up for work at horseMEAT plc to manufacture unicycles that are desperately needed throughout Eastern Europe. Now, I think I am a moderate type of employer. For instance, if you phone us up and complain about a defective unicycle, you will get one of the following messages:

1) Press ONE to discover our unique range of unicycles
2) Press TWO to COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO
3) Press THREE to repeat this message.
4) Press FOUR to arrange a free test ride on one of our unicycles.

I think I’m getting the hang of these new-fangled phone systems. But I am digressing from the point. Some of the young women who work here have been making complaints about a strange man who lurks about on the bridge where they have to walk under in order to reach the factory. Apparently, he throws soya beans at their heads, and when he hits the target (i.e. their heads), he stands there cackling like a hyena.

Normally I wouldn’t bother, but he has been creeping a few people out. He is described as about 5 foot 5 tall, about 50 years old, stocky, with a grey beard and always wears a huge bobble-hat with pom-poms attached to it. I just dismissed it and told people “He’s just probably smoking crack”…

Yesterday, my assistant ran into the office and starting shouting “He’s up there!!! You have to do something!!!”. My first thought was to phone the guys from Agnostic Front. Maybe I thought they could batter him around the head with their guitars or something. However, there really wasn’t time for that, so I decided to act decisively, so I ran outside, sprinted up the road and started yelling “HEY YOU F**KING IDIOT… IF I CATCH YOU I’LL STAMP ON YOUR HANDS… YOU WON’T BE THROWING SOYA BEANS AROUND FOR A WHILE”

However, as soon as I ran up the hill to the bridge, he had disappeared. As if my magic. A bit like Mr Ben. I thought he might be hiding in a hedge, but I felt confident enough to go back the building and announce “No worries… He’s Gone…”

But to my amazement, all the stairs had vanished from the building. Then I heard some horrendous cackling and the guy was standing back on the bridge. He was yelling “I’VE STOLEN YOUR STAIRS”… then he ran off…

It is a three-story building. And all the stairs had vanished. That meant people could not go upstairs or downstairs. People were yelling at me “I’ve got to go home”… “I’ve got to pick up my kids”… “I’ve got to go and have a pee…”

You can plan for fires, severe data-loss or World War Three, but what happens when somebody steals all your stairs. I effectively have a building without stairs. I had to get people out with rope ladders. Best solution in a crisis. I’ll probably get sued due to Health and Safety concerns…

This is serious. I’ve now got a vendetta against that crazy old fool. He has stolen my stairs. If I catch up with him I’ll probably pour napalm into his arse via a funnel and set light to it !!! I’ve got a funny feeling that I haven’t seen the last of him…..

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