Spas T. Bandylegs III

In 1962, Lee Harvey Oswald, who had defected to the Soviet Union, returned to the United States. He was met by Mr Spas T. Rankin. Was Rankin working for the CIA? Well, we’ll leave that to the conspiracy theorists.

The year is now 2013. In co-operation with an undercover reporter from The Guardian, we interviewed Louisiana Congressman Spas T. Bandylegs III. The first part of the transcript can now be revealed.

Reporter: When you were a small child, did people bully you because of your name?
Spas T. Bandylegs: Whhhyyyy Noooo Saaahhh !!!
Reporter: Are you sure?
Spas T. Bandylegs: Well, yes saahhh !!! When aahhh was a small child, maah best buddy was called Gaylord Henpecker. Me aaanndd Gaylord, well !!! Nobaady messed with me and Gaylord !!!
Reporter: I know the United States often gets a lot of criticism, but people in Scotland might want to know why there is still a ban on importing haggis into the USA.
Spas T. Bandylegs: Whhy Saaah !!! We eat steak in this great country. But in principle aah believe in free market economics. If those poor people and black folks want to eat offal and entrails, well I say let them eat it!!!
Reporter: What if I decided to smuggle haggis into the country via the mexican or canadian border?
Spas T. Bandylegs: Why Saahhh!!! You would be sent to prison for 25 years. Why Saah!!! You are threatening the very security of our great country!!! What kind of communistic drivel are you talking saahh !!!
Reporter:  So, can you import tripe into the United States?
Spas T. Bandylegs:  Aahh believe so saahhh!!!

So there you have it. But there was a more pressing issue closer to home. I received a phone call from a woman called Amanda who I hadn’t seen for years and she said to me “Look, I need you to do me a very big favour. I have to deliver a couple of Snow Leopards and I need your help.”

Apparently they were to be delivered to a property that is reputedly owned by the Earl of Richmond, although this cannot be confirmed. We ended up driving into a run-down council estate on the outskirts of Whitehaven and followed a gravel path that led up to a huge mansion in the middle of the estate. I did remark to her “This is a funny place to have a huge mansion”. She replied “I guess the mansion was built before the estate. They probably built the estate around the mansion and its grounds” I accepted that argument and didn’t think any more about it.

We drove up to the mansion with the snow leopards locked up securely in a horsebox behind the car. When we reached the mansion, Amanda got out of the car and started chatting with what I can only describe as a ‘sinister-looking henchman’. He was rubbing his hands and asking “Have you got the leopards?”

Amanda went to the horsebox, unbolted it, then let the leopards out. She started laughing and screaming at him “You big fat fool!!! Did you ever really think I would hand them over to you!!! You idiot!!! I just took your money!!! These animals should not be caged. I’m letting them go free!!! Where they belong!!!”

And free they went. They disappeared in a blink of an eye. While the “fat fool” was jumping up and down in a rage, we got back into the car and I asked her “Are you sure that was a good idea?” She looked at me and said “Of course it was. Do I look like somebody who makes rash decisions?”

Fair enough. But that evening, I turned on the news and was horrified to learn the leopards had found their way into the middle of the town and had killed and partially eaten two people. The police had deployed marksmen to shoot them on sight and they were apparently looking for the two individuals who had let them loose.

I didn’t let those bloody animals loose!!! But I’ll probably get blamed for it all the same. Five minutes later I heard the door getting kicked in and can only assume it was the police. I managed to sneak out onto the roof, climbed down the drainpipe of a house located down the road, and hid in a storm drain for two days. I’m sure I can explain this away. I’ve been in worse situations in the past…. Like the time I had to hide in an abandoned Bitcoin mine. All the bitcoins had been mined, so I was able to stay hidden in it for over two months….