Lord Edmund’s Dream Machine — Soon to be available to the general public….

Lord Edmund strode into the room and declaimed “Howling Apples!!! This family is ruined!!!” I let him compose himself and asked “Pray God. What has befallen you?”

He poured a glass of brandy and said “Alas, I lost a fortune at the gaming tables. But I’ve also had my path covered in tarmac seventeen times. I owe those vultures a fortune.”

Luckily I was there to save the day. “Lord Edmund,” I shouted, “I bought a lottery ticket last night. And I’ve won!!! You can take it sir and restore the fortunes of your great and illustrious family!!!”

Lord Edmund walked over, took the ticket, but I noticed the evil glint in his eye. “Hang on!!” I shouted. “I have been reading a depraved book called ‘The Story of the Eye’… Are you the same Lord Edmund that I have been working for all these years ?!??”

He laughed and said “Well, Yes!!! But now that lottery ticket is mine!!!”

I got angry and shouted “Well, Sir, you are nothing but a depraved animal. A beastly swankpot !!! Somebody should wrap you up in a paper bag and throw you in the bin!!! Why Sir!!! You are no better than a SANITARY TOWEL!!!!”

He looked at me, grinned and said “I’ve been recording your dreams”.

“What do you mean?!? Recording my dreams?!?!”

He starting laughing then said “I bought a device from Japan. I’ve been recording your dreams for the last year. I know what goes on in your head when you are asleep.”

“But you can’t!!” I shouted.

“Yes I CAN!!!” he retorted. “Do you remember that tall geeky girl who you used to secretly fancy when you were sixteen years old!!! Well, I’ve got dream tapes of you rampantly banging her on a bouncy castle in the middle of Blackpool Pleasure Beach. And all the visitors were looking at you, but basically left you to get on with it…”

“Please give me the tapes… Don’t do this to me…”

He waved the lottery ticket in front of my face and said “I may claim my win tomorrow. But just remember, I have lots of those tapes. Some of your dreams were far worse!!! And you called me depraved!!! I might put them on YouTube. Now, can you get me another brandy?”

Just in case you are wondering, dream recorders will soon be available in the UK. You can pre-order a device via this website. More details will be available soon… The dream recorders use ARM processors and have 1GB RAM. It is recommended that you have some knowledge of Linux before using them. Really for experts only.