The Kraftwerk Monkey – Part Two – Stoner Witch

The place: Whitehaven. The Year: 1856. It was a year after I nearly drowned in my bedroom, and I must admit I slid into a state of despair. I no longer took any joy in wearing my huge top-hat, and I took the drastic step of shaving off my mutton-chop sideburns.

What made it even worse was that every time I ventured out of my house, I could see that Tobias was having great success with his Kraftwerk monkey. I must admit it made me a bit envious. Crowds would arrive in the town by train and listen to that bloody monkey droning “WIR FAHR’N FAHR’N FAHR’N AUF DER AUTOBAHN”. In fact they loved it. Tobias had become on of the most popular people in the town, yet what had he done? He just happened to own a monkey that could sing songs by Kraftwerk.

One day, in the depths of despair, I was sitting in the worst tavern in town, sulking and drinking a glass of dark mild when lo and behold, an unholy racket erupted. Several sailors, newly back from their latest trip to Pot Noodle Island crashed into the tavern and started to cause mayhem. They were obviously hell-bent on spending their entire earnings from the trip in one night.

I snapped out of my morbid state of mind and had an idea. I approached one of the sailors, bought him a drink and engaged him in conversation. “Pray good sir”, I said. “I believe one of your good fellows sold one of my friends a singing monkey. I wonder if you have brought anything of interest back from Pot Noodle Island this time.”

He started to laugh and retorted “Well, we did bring back a Mandrill. It’s quite a vicious creature and to be honest, we’ll be well rid of it.”

“Does it have any musical abilities ?” I enquired. He paused and said “Well, yes. It can play a zither, and likes to play songs by Faust and Melvins. To be honest, I can’t stand that stuff. It was driving me crazy. You can have it for ten guineas.”

“It’s a deal!!!” I declaimed. Now I have a monkey three times the size of Tobias’s specimen. The next day I took it into town, and we set up across the street from Tobias and his Kraftwerk monkey. The mandrill started plucking on a zither and gave a rendition of Melvins’ “Stoner Witch”.

We’ll soon find out who has the most talented monkey!!!