Archive for the 'Blog My Blog' Category

National Fly-Tipping Awards 2015

Thanks to support from Channel 5 who will be filming the event for future broadcast, we can present the 2015 National Fly-Tipping Awards. Each year, we present awards to those who those who dump massive amounts of unwanted waste in farmer’s fields, roadsides, school playgrounds and people’s back gardens. Joining us on the judging panel […]

Sir Jimmy Sandwich

What a morning. I had just composed myself, and guess who blew into the office. It was Sir Jimmy Sandwich. He was sweating and out of breath, and looked like he had just run a marathon. “This is intolerable!!!” he yelled. I sat back for a second and asked “what is intolerable ?” “Don’t you […]

Pot Noodle Island – The myth demystified

Regular viewers of this site will have seen lots of references to Pot Noodle Island, a physical entity that does indeed exist, and one which I have visited on many occasions. Many have assumed that the place is just a myth, like Atlantis, or merely an elaborate hoax. However, below is physical proof, taken from […]

Where has Clovis gone ?

Clovis was born into a German artistocratic family. He probably is a Junker. $c= $clovis=12/5; $z = ($clovis * $clovis)^1.03454; So where is Clovis ?

The return of Clovis

Where has Clovis been ? $clovis = 0; Welcome back HOVIS VON CLOVIS.

Doris Tuttle and her Magic Kettle

Today, I had the fortune (or misfortune) to meet the world-renowned physicist Boris Parloff. When I first met him, I was struck by his size. I made a joke and said “Do people ever mistake you for Boris Karloff?”. At which point he pulled out a cut-throat razor and started shouting “If you ever say […]

The Kraftwerk Monkey – Part Two – Stoner Witch

The place: Whitehaven. The Year: 1856. It was a year after I nearly drowned in my bedroom, and I must admit I slid into a state of despair. I no longer took any joy in wearing my huge top-hat, and I took the drastic step of shaving off my mutton-chop sideburns. What made it even […]

Genial Conspiracy Theorist

I was disturbed earlier by an old lady fighting in the street with a transvestite. They were hitting each other with their handbags and she was yelling at him, shouting “You big poof!!!” Then he slapped her with a handbag and said “Don’t you talk to me like that!!!”. It was amusing but I had […]

Lord Edmund’s Dream Machine — Soon to be available to the general public….

Lord Edmund strode into the room and declaimed “Howling Apples!!! This family is ruined!!!” I let him compose himself and asked “Pray God. What has befallen you?” He poured a glass of brandy and said “Alas, I lost a fortune at the gaming tables. But I’ve also had my path covered in tarmac seventeen times. […]

Spas T. Bandylegs III

In 1962, Lee Harvey Oswald, who had defected to the Soviet Union, returned to the United States. He was met by Mr Spas T. Rankin. Was Rankin working for the CIA? Well, we’ll leave that to the conspiracy theorists. The year is now 2013. In co-operation with an undercover reporter from The Guardian, we interviewed […]

Poodle Attack Xtreme !!!

Excellent News!!! The TV Channel UN-RE-AL-I.T.-TV9 will be relaunched in August thanks to generous backing from horseMEAT Enterprises Plc. Well, what will be on the new re-vamped line-up? First of all, there will a new re-vamped series of Poodle Attack. This is no ordinary Poodle Attack. This is “Poodle Attack Xtreme” !!! In the first […]

The Kraftwerk Monkey

The place: Whitehaven. The Year: 1855. Having just purchased the largest Top-Hat in the north of England (a full three-foot in height!!!), I had carefully brushed and applied pomade to my mutton-chop sideburns and decided to stroll through the town in order to show off my elegant new hat. By chance, I spotted my old […]

Futuristic Dilemmas !!!

Well, what do you do with a building without stairs? Well, if you are unfamiliar with this conundrum, refer to the last post. I’ve only been able to broadcast this to the world via an old TELEX machine. Anyway, what do you do with a building without stairs. I had to bring in the world-famous […]

Be careful what you wish for….

Yes, although there have been lots of arrests of “high-target” criminals in South-West Scotland lately, that does not deflect from problems closer to home. I have been plagued by one vexatious individual recently. Each day, my employees have been diligently turning up for work at horseMEAT plc to manufacture unicycles that are desperately needed throughout […]

A matter of some confusion…

Hello readers, I am forced to make this update due to the fact that we have been bombarded with emails due to the recent horsemeat scandal that seems to be constantly in the news. Just to clarify matters, we represent horseMEAT Entreprises PLC, which is in no way involved in the production or distribution of […]