Today, being the second Wednesday of the month is the date for the monthly horsemeat editorial meeting, held at Nigel Bookbinder’s apartment.
On the pavement outside Nigel’s block, I noticed Humphrey J. Bumphrey sitting on the side of the pavement, dropping small objects down the drain. I walked over and stood right next to him, but […]

After the recent chaotic meeting between Nigel Bookbinder and Paul Holt (the famous twelve-year old Child Barrister), I decided to arrange a new meeting in the hope that a meeting of two such great minds would spark off a lively debate.
However, I was quite surprised when Paul turned up with his ten-year old brother, […]

I have been so impressed with the efforts of our young Child Barrister associate (Paul Holt) that I decided to engineer a meeting between Paul, Nigel Bookbinder and myself.
I gave Nigel a call and pleaded “Nigel, let’s put this tea-towel business behind us. I promise to stay well away from Tea-Towels in the future…” […]

Well, after the day I had on Monday, I felt that I needed to conclude the tale of aggravation and stress.
After my mum sent me to my room without any tea, I waited until I knew that she was watching TV, then sat in bed under the covers reading my notes by torchlight and preparing […]

Good day to all readers of horseMEAT! It is to my honor (as previously alluded to by Humphrey J. Bumphrey) that I have been invited to write some material for this esteemed site.
Let me fully introduce myself. My name is Paul Holt, and what distinguishes me from other twelve year-old children is that apart from […]

Nigel, you are very much mistaken if you think that I can be kept away from the International Tea-Towel Festival next year. Even if I have to bribe my way in, or enter in disguise, you can bet that is what I will do.
As for the minor charge that is hanging over my head […]

What on earth have I done? I now realize that I have made a huge blunder by unwittingly alerting Humphrey to the existence of the annual International Tea-Towel Festival that is held each year in London.
Apparently, not long after I had quietly slipped away, Humphrey vanished from Pot Noodle Island, and managed to get […]

Ah Nigel, I am so disappointed that you were aware of the existence of an annual Tea-Towel Festival (and judging by what you say, have been secretly attending it for some years) yet you did not bother to inform me about it.
[I am also disappointed that you chose to broadcast my private vices in […]

In case you have wondered why there has been little activity on horseMEAT lately, the reason is that all the contributors have been attending the ‘Annual horseMEAT Conference’, held on Pot Noodle Island.
After the obligatory fights with the locals in the Hotel Bar, the topics up for discussion have been:

Black or Red ? Which […]

Here is a multiple-choice question I often pose to people with whom I have just made their acquaintance. I regard it as a true test of character:
“What would you do if you were driving along the road, and realized that your car was on fire?”
The possible answers are:
A: Pull over to […]

Things have been quiet for the last week or so. I dared to venture out of my apartment once again, and managed to make it to the Club for a good meal and a bottle of Champagne.
However, upon my return, I found the following note pinned to my front door:

It reads: “This is the […]

We all know that many men hate washing up, and are often happy to leave piles of cups, dishes and plates stinking in their kitchen sink and spreading disease.
However, there is a simple workaround for those who simply cannot face doing the washing-up.
Simply put all your dirty dishes in your shower then sprinkle washing-up […]

What is happening? I have found yet more ominous notes pinned to my front door. The latest one is shown below.

[It reads: “Drill Blitz is the most insane member of the Evil Tools. When he is opened at christmas he drills holes in six places. He normally starts with the head just above each […]

Sadly, I have no good news to report; in fact, the situation seems to escalating and getting worse day by day.
This morning, I found the following picture pinned to my door.

The last time I heard about the ‘Evil Tool Elf’ was at prep school. Every christmas, my old chum, Cuthbert Yoghurt-Pot, used to tell […]

More notes have been pinned to my front door:

I do not remember great-uncle Randolph ever mentioning ‘Prance Hammer’. Maybe he came along later. However, I would not like to receive such an item in my Christmas Stocking…