We all know that many men hate washing up, and are often happy to leave piles of cups, dishes and plates stinking in their kitchen sink and spreading disease.
However, there is a simple workaround for those who simply cannot face doing the washing-up.
Simply put all your dirty dishes in your shower then sprinkle washing-up […]
What is happening? I have found yet more ominous notes pinned to my front door. The latest one is shown below.
[It reads: “Drill Blitz is the most insane member of the Evil Tools. When he is opened at christmas he drills holes in six places. He normally starts with the head just above each […]
Sadly, I have no good news to report; in fact, the situation seems to escalating and getting worse day by day.
This morning, I found the following picture pinned to my door.
The last time I heard about the ‘Evil Tool Elf’ was at prep school. Every christmas, my old chum, Cuthbert Yoghurt-Pot, used to tell […]
More notes have been pinned to my front door:
I do not remember great-uncle Randolph ever mentioning ‘Prance Hammer’. Maybe he came along later. However, I would not like to receive such an item in my Christmas Stocking…
After the ominous warning left on front door last week, I was unable to venture out of my apartment for several days.
At the weekend, with provisions running low (I was down to my last bottle of champagne), I knew I had to venture out and face the world.
However, I got no further than my […]
I’m sorry if I have been unable to post anything on horseMEAT for a while; it is not because I have been busy (I only wish that were the truth). The truth is something far more sinister.
A few days ago I awoke in a rather cheerful mood and breakfasted on smoked salmon and champagne. […]
Switch over to UN-RE-AL-I.T.TV9 where you will see the latest offering from horseMEAT productions entitled ‘Moving Houses’.
Sticking to our successful formula of taking reality television concepts and pushing them to their logical conclusion, this time we focus on ‘lifestyle swaps’.
However, instead of letting a chav dole mole and a millionaire businesswoman swap roles for […]
You may have wondered what the horseMEAT team have been up to lately? (or more likely, you haven’t been - you probably have been doing something else…)
Well, we have been away campaigning and lobbying to save the very rare and endangered Tree Octopus.
The Tree Octopus is a close relative of the sea-dwelling octopus, and […]
Apologies for going quiet lately, but exciting developments have been underway at horseMeat Enterprises.
We have been developing a new chocolate bar. This will go on sale with the name of ‘ChavBar’.
What is unique about it is that each chunk of chocolate will be embossed with the mark of a Gold Sovereign Ring. The actual […]
You may have noticed that there has been very little activity on Horsemeat this week. This is mainly due to factors affecting the contributors, such as psychotic episodes, delirium and taking time out to consider wider issues.
One of the main questions I have been considering over the last couple of weeks is: “WHO WILL […]
After having emerged from a month of debauchery and excess I felt totally at a loss about what to do next. Therefore, I called my old school chum Basil Saltly and announced “Basil. Its Humph. I think I’ve totally and utterly lost the plot…”
“Lost the plot?” he asked.
“Yes. I’ve lost the plot. Big style” […]
Yesterday I ventured out after a long absence and went out to lunch with Lionel Blair (the tap-dancer famous for his appearances on the TV Show ‘Give us a Clue’ and who also happens to be the half-brother of Prime Minister Tony). His great friend Travis Pickle also accompanied us.
After the meal I ended, […]
Yesterday evening, I went out with my young new protege Tobias. He advised that we visit a new restaurant named ‘The Decline of Western Civilization’.
“It isn’t about food Nigel,” he explained, “it’s more about having an intense experience!”
Well, I’m not quite sure about that statement, but the food was certainly different. There was no […]
Apparently based on a current film, I went out last night with a few acquaintances to the theatre and saw “SNAKES ON A PLANE: THE MUSICAL”. And jolly good fun it was too! I’m still singing the following song wherever I go:
Oh when a snake,
launches at you,
upon a plaaaaanaane,
move out of the way,
and grab […]
I was rudely interrupted from my work this afternoon by some sharp banging on my front door. Upon opening in, It was rudely served with an injunction by what can best be described as an ape-like creature.
The injunction forbids me to contact young Crispin by any way or form, or to enter the immediate […]