horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes

Your Stars for 17 Dec 2017 - 24 Dec 2017

By Mystic Theo

horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes


Aries (21 Mar - 20 Apr)

The stars look down and you and do not like what they see. You are likely to be responsible for an outbreak of rabies accross the country. Prepare for nuclear war.


Taurus (21 Apr - 21 May)

This is likely to prove to be an unlucky month for you. You are likely to develop webbed feet and cause you to purchase a pair of special shoes. Spend the month in bed and hope that one day things might just get a little better.


Gemini (22 May - 21 Jun)

The rise of saturn foretells a period of bad luck and misfortune. Your fingers will mutate into fish-fingers. Don’t resist, as events are beyond your control.


Cancer (22 Jun - 23 Jul)

Beware of the man with a cloven hoof. He brings back luck. A mysterious stranger will accost you on a bus and put a hex on you. You want to be in control, but somehow you are not.


Leo (24 Jul - 23 Aug)

All your efforts this month will come to nothing. You will be transported to a new dimension and never return to your old life. Try to be considerate for the first time in your life.


Virgo (24 Aug - 23 Sept)

The new moon in your opposite sign puts the focus on fruit and vegetables. Maybe you should consider staying indoors and not going out for the next month. Events are likely to unsettle and disturb your mental balance.


Libra (24 Sept - 23 Oct)

Other people are talking behind your back and spreading rumours. A trip to the hairdresser may not go well. If it ain’t broke, throw it in the bin. Or in a skip.


Scorpio (24 Oct - 22 Nov)

Avoid over-analysing situations, as it will only tire your brain. Farty Farty Lawnmower. All is futile. All is pain.


Sagittarius (23 Nov - 21 Dec)

Put your feet up for the next six months and take a well earned break. You are likely to develop an intermittent stutter at the most inopportune moments. Bottle up your emotions and speak to no one.


Capricorn (22 Dec - 20 Jan)

During this troubled period, going with the flow will only lead to more trouble. A case of mistaken identity could land you in hot water. You have made your bed, so lie in it.


Aquarius (21 Jan - 19 Feb)

The full moon in your opposite sign puts you under immense pressure and stress. You are likely to grow a third eye on the bottom of your foot. Prepare yourself for a life of pain and misery.


Pisces (20 Feb - 20 Mar)

If you find yourself floundering, it is time to despair. You will fall off a bus and break your ankle. An old flame will return and wreak havoc upon your life.