horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes

Your Stars for 21 Oct 2017 - 28 Oct 2017

By Mystic Theo

horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes

 

Aries (21 Mar - 20 Apr)

If you find yourself floundering, it is time to despair. You are likely to develop webbed feet and cause you to purchase a pair of special shoes. Ride it out, and things may get better.

 

Taurus (21 Apr - 21 May)

Loved ones will expect a lot from you this month, but you are sure to disappoint them. You are likely to develop an intermittent stutter at the most inopportune moments. Cut your losses and start a new life under a new identity.

 

Gemini (22 May - 21 Jun)

This is a restless time of your life when you feel dissatisfied and unappreciated. You are likely to grow a third eye on the bottom of your foot. Spend the month in bed and hope that one day things might just get a little better.

 

Cancer (22 Jun - 23 Jul)

New horizons beckon. But don’t get your hopes up. On the social front, you may decide to stay and home and eat a Pot Noodle. Only spend what you have, as you may never have any money ever again.

 

Leo (24 Jul - 23 Aug)

This is likely to prove to be an unlucky month for you. You are likely to find a mouldy banana in your bin that looks like Justin Beiber. Bottle up your emotions and speak to no one.

 

Virgo (24 Aug - 23 Sept)

Don’t exagerate, as you will lose whatever credibility still remains. A mysterious stranger will accost you on a bus and put a hex on you. Keep your plans fluid, and you have the perfect recipe for disaster.

 

Libra (24 Sept - 23 Oct)

Don’t listen to family and friends. They are obviously plotting against you. You are likely to nearly choke to death upon the food that you love the most. Life is hard, and then you die.

 

Scorpio (24 Oct - 22 Nov)

Beware of the man with a cloven hoof. He brings back luck. Your breathe is likely to turn rancid and repel everyone who you come into contact with. If you can’t eat it, it probably wasn’t edible in the first place.

 

Sagittarius (23 Nov - 21 Dec)

The new moon spells an anti-social period of your life where you are likely to alienate family and friends. A long lost relative will return and bring you bad news. If it ain’t broke, throw it in the bin. Or in a skip.

 

Capricorn (22 Dec - 20 Jan)

All your efforts this month will come to nothing. You will fall off a bus and break your ankle. You have made your bed, so lie in it.

 

Aquarius (21 Jan - 19 Feb)

Don’t step on cracks in the pavement or walk under ladders. There is a strong probability that you will be mistaken for a local paedophile and hounded from your neighbourhood. All is futile. All is pain.

 

Pisces (20 Feb - 20 Mar)

This is a month to settle old scores. Farty Farty Lawnmower. Don’t resist, as events are beyond your control.