horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes

Your Stars for 18 Aug 2017 - 25 Aug 2017

By Mystic Theo

horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes


Aries (21 Mar - 20 Apr)

Focus on your health and wellbeing. Perhaps you could treat yourself to a treatment of colonic irigation. Farty Farty Lawnmower. Stop. Go. Pick up a Brucey Bonus and tickle me with a feather duster.


Taurus (21 Apr - 21 May)

Don’t listen to family and friends. They are obviously plotting against you. You are likely to grow a third eye on the bottom of your foot. Events are likely to unsettle and disturb your mental balance.


Gemini (22 May - 21 Jun)

You don’t have the full picture, but then you never really have. You are likely to discover that your spouse or partner is having an affair. Keep your plans fluid, and you have the perfect recipe for disaster.


Cancer (22 Jun - 23 Jul)

You are being overly vigilant, perhaps for very good reasons. A mysterious stranger will accost you on a bus and put a hex on you. Prepare for armageddon.


Leo (24 Jul - 23 Aug)

The stars look down and you and do not like what they see. You are likely to develop webbed feet and cause you to purchase a pair of special shoes. An old flame will return and wreak havoc upon your life.


Virgo (24 Aug - 23 Sept)

Beware of the man with a cloven hoof. He brings back luck. A trip to the hairdresser may not go well. Prepare yourself for a life of pain and misery.


Libra (24 Sept - 23 Oct)

Your astral map is now available on most well-known sat-nav devices. Maybe you should consider staying indoors and not going out for the next month. There is no use crying over spilt milk.


Scorpio (24 Oct - 22 Nov)

If you find yourself floundering, it is time to despair. You will fart and shit your pants whilst you are out shopping. If you can’t eat it, it probably wasn’t edible in the first place.


Sagittarius (23 Nov - 21 Dec)

The new moon in your opposite sign puts the focus on fruit and vegetables. Life is hard, and then you die.


Capricorn (22 Dec - 20 Jan)

The passing of mars foretells ominous events to come. You are likely to receive bad news in the post. Prepare for nuclear war.


Aquarius (21 Jan - 19 Feb)

Beware of broken teapots and cracked teacups. On the social front, you may decide to stay and home and eat a Pot Noodle. You want to be in control, but somehow you are not.


Pisces (20 Feb - 20 Mar)

Avoid over-analysing situations, as it will only tire your brain. You are likely to grow a third nipple upon your bum cheeks. Your best friend will tell you that your head looks like an over-sized turnip, and that they do not want to be seen with you in public.