horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes

Your Stars for 29 Jun 2017 - 06 Jul 2017

By Mystic Theo

horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes


Aries (21 Mar - 20 Apr)

The rise of saturn foretells a period of bad luck and misfortune. You are likely to find a mouldy banana in your bin that looks like Justin Beiber. Events are likely to unsettle and disturb your mental balance.


Taurus (21 Apr - 21 May)

The full moon in your opposite sign puts you under immense pressure and stress. You will fall off a bus and break your ankle. You have made your bed, so lie in it.


Gemini (22 May - 21 Jun)

Be careful when stepping over kerbs. You will be transported to a new dimension and never return to your old life. Ra. Ra. Rasputin. Russia’s Greatest Love Machine.


Cancer (22 Jun - 23 Jul)

A recent run of bad fortune is likely to continue. Your fingers will mutate into fish-fingers. Only spend what you have, as you may never have any money ever again.


Leo (24 Jul - 23 Aug)

During this troubled period, going with the flow will only lead to more trouble. There is a strong probability that you will be mistaken for a local paedophile and hounded from your neighbourhood. You want to be in control, but somehow you are not.


Virgo (24 Aug - 23 Sept)

Beware of the man with a cloven hoof. He brings back luck. A case of mistaken identity could land you in hot water. Prepare for nuclear war.


Libra (24 Sept - 23 Oct)

The rising of the full moon brings dark portents. Your pubic hair will fall out, and you will resort to wearing a merkin. Bottle up your emotions and speak to no one.


Scorpio (24 Oct - 22 Nov)

A sinister pidgeon will stalk your every move. You are likely to receive bad news in the post. Prepare for armageddon.


Sagittarius (23 Nov - 21 Dec)

A new moon foretells money problems. You are likely to develop webbed feet and cause you to purchase a pair of special shoes. Ride it out, and things may get better.


Capricorn (22 Dec - 20 Jan)

Avoid over-analysing situations, as it will only tire your brain. A drug addict and all his junkie friends will move in next door to you. Cut your losses and start a new life under a new identity.


Aquarius (21 Jan - 19 Feb)

You don’t have the full picture, but then you never really have. You are likely to discover that your spouse or partner is having an affair. There is no use crying over spilt milk.


Pisces (20 Feb - 20 Mar)

Other people are talking behind your back and spreading rumours. You will be stalked by a scary clown who has just been fired from the circus. Stop. Go. Pick up a Brucey Bonus and tickle me with a feather duster.