horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes

Your Stars for 25 May 2017 - 01 Jun 2017

By Mystic Theo

horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes


Aries (21 Mar - 20 Apr)

If you find yourself floundering, it is time to despair. You will be stalked by a scary clown who has just been fired from the circus. Cut your losses and start a new life under a new identity.


Taurus (21 Apr - 21 May)

A new moon foretells money problems. You are likely to receive bad news in the post. Life is hard, and then you die.


Gemini (22 May - 21 Jun)

Don’t exagerate, as you will lose whatever credibility still remains. You are likely to find a mouldy banana in your bin that looks like Justin Beiber. Bottle up your emotions and speak to no one.


Cancer (22 Jun - 23 Jul)

A sinister pidgeon will stalk your every move. You are likely to develop an intermittent stutter at the most inopportune moments. If it ain’t broke, throw it in the bin. Or in a skip.


Leo (24 Jul - 23 Aug)

This is a month to settle old scores. A long lost relative will return and bring you bad news. Ra. Ra. Rasputin. Russia’s Greatest Love Machine.


Virgo (24 Aug - 23 Sept)

You are being overly vigilant, perhaps for very good reasons. A spiteful neighbour will accuse you of benefit fraud. Only spend what you have, as you may never have any money ever again.


Libra (24 Sept - 23 Oct)

Loved ones will expect a lot from you this month, but you are sure to disappoint them. You will be transported to a new dimension and never return to your old life. All is futile. All is pain.


Scorpio (24 Oct - 22 Nov)

Don’t listen to family and friends. They are obviously plotting against you. You are likely to grow a third eye on the bottom of your foot. You have made your bed, so lie in it.


Sagittarius (23 Nov - 21 Dec)

Your astral map is now available on most well-known sat-nav devices. Beware of getting embroiled in a hostage situation and armed stand-off with the police. If you can’t eat it, it probably wasn’t edible in the first place.


Capricorn (22 Dec - 20 Jan)

Be careful when stepping over kerbs. You are likely to discover that your spouse or partner is having an affair. You want to be in control, but somehow you are not.


Aquarius (21 Jan - 19 Feb)

Avoid over-analysing situations, as it will only tire your brain. You are likely to be responsible for an outbreak of rabies accross the country. Ride it out, and things may get better.


Pisces (20 Feb - 20 Mar)

All your efforts this month will come to nothing. A drug addict and all his junkie friends will move in next door to you. Stop. Go. Pick up a Brucey Bonus and tickle me with a feather duster.