horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes

Your Stars for 24 Mar 2018 - 31 Mar 2018

By Mystic Theo

horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes


Aries (21 Mar - 20 Apr)

The new moon in your opposite sign puts the focus on fruit and vegetables. Your pubic hair will fall out, and you will resort to wearing a merkin. Your best friend will tell you that your head looks like an over-sized turnip, and that they do not want to be seen with you in public.


Taurus (21 Apr - 21 May)

The stars look down and you and do not like what they see. You are likely to receive bad news in the post. Don’t resist, as events are beyond your control.


Gemini (22 May - 21 Jun)

Don’t listen to family and friends. They are obviously plotting against you. You are likely to nearly choke to death upon the food that you love the most. A trip to a local take-away could cause a bad case of food poisoning.


Cancer (22 Jun - 23 Jul)

You don’t have the full picture, but then you never really have. You will be transported to a new dimension and never return to your old life. Keep your plans fluid, and you have the perfect recipe for disaster.


Leo (24 Jul - 23 Aug)

New horizons beckon. But don’t get your hopes up. If you can’t eat it, it probably wasn’t edible in the first place.


Virgo (24 Aug - 23 Sept)

Beware of broken teapots and cracked teacups. You will fart and shit your pants whilst you are out shopping. Try to be considerate for the first time in your life.


Libra (24 Sept - 23 Oct)

The rise of saturn foretells a period of bad luck and misfortune. You will fall off a bus and break your ankle. Cut your losses and start a new life under a new identity.


Scorpio (24 Oct - 22 Nov)

Be careful when stepping over kerbs. A mysterious stranger will accost you on a bus and put a hex on you. Ride it out, and things may get better.


Sagittarius (23 Nov - 21 Dec)

The new moon spells an anti-social period of your life where you are likely to alienate family and friends. You are likely to grow a third eye on the bottom of your foot. Prepare yourself for a life of pain and misery.


Capricorn (22 Dec - 20 Jan)

This is a restless time of your life when you feel dissatisfied and unappreciated. You will be stalked by a scary clown who has just been fired from the circus. All is futile. All is pain.


Aquarius (21 Jan - 19 Feb)

If you find yourself floundering, it is time to despair. You are likely to develop an intermittent stutter at the most inopportune moments. An old flame will return and wreak havoc upon your life.


Pisces (20 Feb - 20 Mar)

You are being overly vigilant, perhaps for very good reasons. A trip to the hairdresser may not go well. Ra. Ra. Rasputin. Russia’s Greatest Love Machine.