horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes

Your Stars for 22 May 2018 - 29 May 2018

By Mystic Theo

horseMEAT Happy Horoscopes

 

Aries (21 Mar - 20 Apr)

Avoid over-analysing situations, as it will only tire your brain. You are likely to develop webbed feet and cause you to purchase a pair of special shoes. If you can’t eat it, it probably wasn’t edible in the first place.

 

Taurus (21 Apr - 21 May)

The rising of the full moon brings dark portents. You are likely to nearly choke to death upon the food that you love the most. You want to be in control, but somehow you are not.

 

Gemini (22 May - 21 Jun)

All your efforts this month will come to nothing. You are likely to discover that your spouse or partner is having an affair. You have made your bed, so lie in it.

 

Cancer (22 Jun - 23 Jul)

The passing of mars foretells ominous events to come. There is a strong probability that you will be mistaken for a local paedophile and hounded from your neighbourhood. Spend the month in bed and hope that one day things might just get a little better.

 

Leo (24 Jul - 23 Aug)

Your astral map is now available on most well-known sat-nav devices. On the social front, you may decide to stay and home and eat a Pot Noodle. Don’t resist, as events are beyond your control.

 

Virgo (24 Aug - 23 Sept)

Focus on your health and wellbeing. Perhaps you could treat yourself to a treatment of colonic irigation. A drug addict and all his junkie friends will move in next door to you. Events are likely to unsettle and disturb your mental balance.

 

Libra (24 Sept - 23 Oct)

The new moon in your opposite sign puts the focus on fruit and vegetables. You will be stalked by a scary clown who has just been fired from the circus. If it ain’t broke, throw it in the bin. Or in a skip.

 

Scorpio (24 Oct - 22 Nov)

Don’t listen to family and friends. They are obviously plotting against you. You are likely to grow a third eye on the bottom of your foot. Prepare for nuclear war.

 

Sagittarius (23 Nov - 21 Dec)

The rise of saturn foretells a period of bad luck and misfortune. Your fingers will mutate into fish-fingers. Bottle up your emotions and speak to no one.

 

Capricorn (22 Dec - 20 Jan)

Don’t be surprised if others perceive you to be even more obnoxious than usual this month. A trip to the hairdresser may not go well. All is futile. All is pain.

 

Aquarius (21 Jan - 19 Feb)

The full moon in your opposite sign puts you under immense pressure and stress. Your breathe is likely to turn rancid and repel everyone who you come into contact with. An old flame will return and wreak havoc upon your life.

 

Pisces (20 Feb - 20 Mar)

If you find yourself floundering, it is time to despair. You are likely to develop an intermittent stutter at the most inopportune moments. Cut your losses and start a new life under a new identity.