UN-RE-AL-I.T.-TV9

Welcome to UN-RE-AL-I.T.-TV9, the new ‘reality’ channel due to hit the digital airwaves in the very near future.

Sick and tired of the endless diet of reality shows on television? Then switch over to UN-RE-AL-I.T.-TV9, where we have re-invented the genre.

Below is our transitional schedule:

UN-RE-AL-I.T.-TV9
06:00 DANGEROUS DRIVING
Two new contestants who have never driven a bus before get behind the wheel of a double-decker and race each other through rush-hour traffic in central London. Pedestrians watch out !!!
07:00 EAT MY PEANUTS
Drama behind the scenes at the World Peanut Eating Championship…
08:00 ANOTHER FAT BASTARD
We profile yet another obesely fat person who spends all day lying and bed and eating – and ask the important question “Why don’t you stop gorging yourself and do some exercise…”
09:00 HELP ! MY DOG NEEDS A SEX CHANGE
Meetings with deluded (if not downright deranged) members of the public who believe that their pooches are suffering from trans-gender issues.
10:00 YOU’VE GOT WIND…
Experts offer advice to a woman whose pungent guffs regularly stink out train carriages and leave fellow travelers gasping for breath.
11:00 MAKE ME A CHILD PROPERTY MILLIONAIRE
Property experts give advice to young children and teenagers on how to use their pocket money and earnings from part time jobs in order to buy property to renovate and sell on at a huge profit.
11:30 SPOOKS IN THE SHED
Celebrity psychics investigate mysterious hauntings in people’s back gardens. Today, the team are in Leeds, investigating reports of a ghost who resides in a toolbox.
12:00 HOW TO BE A SLUM LANDLORD
A new show where property experts give advice on how to buy cheap  dilapidated properties, and then rent them out to tenants on Housing Benefit.

Today, the experts demonstrate the art of refuting all reasonable requests and demands made by tenants, and how to constantly berate and blame them when they dare to mention any fault or condition within the property.

Watch in amazement as mild-mannered wannabe landlords are transformed into heartless and greedy psychopaths.

13:00 BISCUIT-TIN BARAGE
Following a group of schoolchildren who set up their own Steel Band with drums made entirely out of biscuit tins.
13:30 BRITAIN’S UGLIEST BUS DRIVERS
Following the working lives of some of the UK’s least physically attractive bus drivers. They are asked the important question “Does your looks ever disgust the traveling public?”
14:00 HOW TO DRESS LIKE A WEALTHY OVER-PRIVILEGED CLOTHES-HORSE
Enthusiastic presenters Sophia and Miranda take ordinary members of the public and make them feel pathetic, small and worthless due to their taste in clothes. Once the guest has admitted their complete and utter worthlessness, they are encouraged to dress in a style befitting of a Belgravia heiress in possession of an ample Trust Fund.
15:00 TAKING ALL THE FUN OUT OF YOUR LIFE
Joy Griffiths from Lancaster undertakes to live on a diet of mung beans and raw cabbage, stop going to be pub, and undertake a brutal and punishing exercise regime.
15:30 YOU ARE NOT FIFTEEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN WHAT YOU
WEAR…
Ultimate lifestyle show combining all the elements of other reality shows. Guests are berated for being fat, ugly and unfashionable, then forced to undertake bland diets, olympic-style exercise
regimes, and extensive plastic surgery. As a reward, their clothes and possessions are burned in front of their friends and family, and they are taught how to be ‘fashionable’.
16:00 DON’T THINK… ASK AN EXPERT…
Can’t decide whether to have a baked potato or a Pot Noodle for tea? Don’t waste your time thinking about it. Phone us up instead, and ask one of our resident experts. (Calls cost £327 per minute from UK landlines. Calls from mobile phones may be charged at a higher rate)..
17:00 HELP! MY PARENTS ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT!
Presenters who should know better pander to the insecurities and whims of teenagers in order to transform their parents from unfashionable stuffy old bores into fashionable, coke-snorting, skunk-smoking, label-wearing guys and babes about town.
18:00 CELEBRITY CHEFS IN PRISON
If you think you are going to be watching celebrity chefs doing their bit to improve prison food…then think again!

Watch in amazement as celebrity chefs do time in some of the worst prisons in England. See them get threatened, verbally abused, blackmailed and even slashed with a razor. This week, Gordon Ramsay starts a three-month stretch in Wormwood Scrubs.

19:00 HUMANS vs INSECTS
Back to the secret desert island where teams of contestants do battle with giant genetically modified insects. Will the humans succeed, or will the giant scorpions finally prove too tough an adversary
for them?
20:00 HOUSE OF PEASANTS
Think that you could make better laws than the politicians? Well now you can. Inside our studio replica of the House of Commons Chamber, ordinary members of the public attend and propose and pass the laws that they really want, aided by celebrity ‘Cabinet Ministers’.

Bills up for proposal this week are for the restoration of hanging, cutting the benefits of scroungers, and deporting all illegal immigrants to the Arctic Circle. Noel Edmonds stands in this week as the Prime Minister.

21:00 MY BIGGEST STOOL
Each week a celebrity guest discusses their most pleasurable experiences sitting on the toilet. This week, ex world heavyweight boxing champion Frank Bruno recalls some of his most treasured
moments. “You should ‘ave seen it ‘Arry,” says Bruno. “It woz ‘uge. Took three flushes to clear that one.”
21:30 RISK YOUR LIFE, AND THE LIVES OF YOUR FAMILY, FOR 30 MINUTES OF TRANSITORY FAME…
Contestants risk their own lives and the lives of their family for no other reason than to appear on television.

Tonight, John from Newcastle is doused in petrol and has to rescue his family from a burning warehouse. Will he succeed, or will his family die in horrible agony?

22:00 WATCHING THOSE WHO WATCH REALITY TELEVISION
Our hidden cameras film people whose entire lives revolve around watching reality television shows. We then interview them and ask “Why don’t you go out, or get a hobby ?”
23:00 OUT OF PLACE, OUT OF TIME
Bruce Forsyth visits a club and listens to dark ambient slow techno beats. Bruce admits that although he is a big fan of Autechre, this is “just not my cup of tea”.
23:30 MINOR CELEBRITY DOG WALKING
Watch Z-List celebrities drop in on members of the public and take their dogs for a walk. Today a former Big Brother contestant takes a Yorkshire Terrier for a walk, and ends up having a tantrum
and throwing the dog into a river because “it just won’t stop yapping”.
00:00 Reality Teletext